just living life

I have been lost to the blogging world for awhile now... I have picked up some new hobbies like playing with Zoey chasing her while she runs.  I also have started scrapbooking with real pictures, paper, embellishments (the swag) and all that.  I love it!  I feel so at peace when I'm listening to music and creating the pages that one day will make up a complete scrapbook for Zoey. I'm going to actually start back tracking and try to make a scrapbook for Brandon and I good thing I did keep this blog. It probably helps that I have a couple of tables that I have set up just for my scrapbooking makes it much easier.  I have a little place set up for Zoey so she can color and play in my room while I'm trying to complete some pages.  I love it!

I can't believe that summer is almost over we did a couple of things like a fourth of July bbq with my family it was simple and lots of fun.  We also went up to a bbq up in Ogden with my friends from my childhood and watched lots and lots of fireworks. We went to the splash pad a couple of times. Zoey started going to daycare and she loves it! Zoey and Brandon have been able to go over on Sundays to his parents house and enjoy family time.  I have been able to go a couple of times while the whole family is there.  We just had the Heaps annual rib fest and it was super yummy.  Zoey loved eating her first rib she kept going up to the table that the ribs were on grabbing one and running off. Zoey got one of the spicy ones and after taking a bite she dropped it on the ground and started wiping her tongue with her hand.  Zoey loved playing with her cousins she would push them around on the tricycle and than be a little dare devil and stand on it.  The kids found a dolly and started taking turns getting pushed around on it.  Zoey watched them and when they were done playing Zoey went and sat on it and daddy pushed her around she loved it!  It was so much fun to be there.


After a year and a half of living in our home we have got up our family wall it is on the stairs wall and I'm so proud of it.  It turned out the way I imagined it. I have finally hung up some pictures in our room and it feels a little bit more like home.  I really want to start painting some walls around my house.  I'm starting to save up for DIY projects. I'm excited! Were hoping with this next years tax return we will have some money to be able to remodel our kitchen.  We are also planning on finally being able to landscape our yard and make a backyard next spring.  I hope so because I would really love to start being able to make this home OUR home the way we see it can be.

Brandon graduated and got a job!!! Brandon is teaching at Providence Hall Charter school up in Herramin.  So far he has been enjoying it.  I'm so proud of him it has taken him 5 years to finally start teaching and it is so nice to see him relaxed and enjoying what he loves to do.


Lexy's 3rd birthday was last Friday.  We were on our way home from visiting her and I was still really missing my little girl.  We stopped at the gas station I went back outside to ask Brandon a question and that is when I saw the most amazing double rainbow that was so clear that you could see the lines of where the colors started you also could see the ends of both sides.  I walked back over to the car and told Brandon to look at the rainbow.  Brandon on the way home looked over at me and said you know that rainbow was special to us right?! of course I knew that but it was so nice to hear Brandon say it. We always see a rainbow on little Lexy's birthday. Rainbows are a special to us.  Lexy wore a rainbow outfit that everyone met her in.  So whenever our family sees rainbows it is usually when we are missing her the most.  We take pictures of them and either text or call that we had just seen a rainbow.  To me when I see a rainbow I know it is a promise of love and that I will never have to loose another baby.  My sister Laura about 6 months ago put a request in for her company they pick one charity a month to donate money by doing a lunch to a charity. My sister put in the request for FlutterBy IzzyJane Foundation.  FlutterBy IzzyJane Foundation is a young charity almost 3 years old.  The couple who started it their first baby was also a stillborn. They started it to help families who would loose their babies also unexpectedly and help out with funeral costs and all that. They also make bracelets that say forever on them one for the baby and one for mom. The first family they helped was a friend of ours. They helped this family out so much and I'm so grateful to them for it.  Well anyways my sister a couple of weeks ago found out that FlutterBy was nominated for the month of August. Than a week later she found out it was going to be on the 23rd Lexy's birthday.  I cried when I saw the post on facebook and I'm still tearing up.  My daughter got to have a pizza party with her aunt on her birthday.  The company raised so much money for them.  My daughter even though she isn't her still has the most amazing influence.  Laura also said she got a call from her friend on the 23rd saying that they just had their little girl and they were going to name her Lilly but when they saw her they said she looks like a little Lexy.  So another little girl born on the same day shares the same name as my precious daughter.  My daughters 3rd birthday was a day of miracles and I'm so happy about that!

anyways that is what has been going on with us.  just wanted to put out a little update for everyone

Happy 2nd Birthday

Brandon and I stayed up last night until 12:49am to be able to wish our little girl Happy Birthday.  While we were awake we were watching a movie.  My stomach started hurting I started getting cramps I could feel the pain of loosing my daughter all over again two years ago.  It made me hurt so much inside.  But the most amazing thing happened after 12:49 I felt my daughter in my arms again I felt the love that I have for her all over again.  I didn't like the feeling of the memories floating around last night but I got the best feeling.  I have been writing in my journal lately that I have been forgetting what it was like to hold little Lexy in my arms and last night I remembered how she felt in my arms and what an amazing daughter she is.

This morning when Zoey and I woke up we were playing with my phone.  Zoey started to grab my phone and I have had a picture of Lexy and I as the background for the last month.  Zoey than started her big smile and than kissed Lexy not once but three times.  Zoey is one lucky little girl she has an angel as a big sister who she know and loves.

Lexy's best friend Quinn is now two but don't worry Quinn hasn't forgotten her best friend yet either.  Laura was talking to Quinn a couple Saturdays ago.  Quinn was saying "mom, Woey's (Zoey) sister" with her arms in the where is she position. 

What a wonderful blessing our family has had with Lexy as our daughter, niece, cousin, granddaughter she taught us unconditional love in the short time that she was with us but she is still showing us unconditional love.

We love you little Lexy De'anna,, Lexy Beth, L.L. bean and all the other little nicknames you had we love you so much.

HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY SWEET ANGEL!!!

I won't give up

I have decided on a new favorite song of mine it is by Jason Mraz I Won't Give Up.  It is the wedding song for this season apparently.  Well I got to say coming up on my little Lexy's birthday.  I'm so glad that I had a husband who stayed by my side when we lost our little girl and didn't give up on us being a family.

Today I was singing to Zoey and having a blast she was smiling and cooing while I was singing to her.  I didn't know it but Brandon was standing in the door way watching us.  I'm so happy to have my little family of four.  I can feel Lexy around when our family is having fun, going through hard times.  I felt her in the room this afternoon as I was playing with Zoey I could hear her laughter.

I have been feeling like that I haven't been the best mommy to Zoey for a couple of weeks because I have been sad about Lexy.  But I got the reminder through this song by Jason Mraz that I can't give up on being a great mommy to Zoey even if I'm sad.  I felt as I was having fun a greater feeling of joy and love that Lexy would want for us.

I'm hurting over Lexy but I know that she is with our Father in Heaven and He is watching over her and everyone who misses her.  I know that my little angel is so busy.  I know she is an angel of love you could feel the love that she gave us while she was with us on earth.  I know that she is there for anyone that needs comfort or a great laugh.

If you haven't heard the song by Jason Mraz here it is:

"I Won't Give Up"

Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ...

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

I love my little Lexy and my Zoey bug so much and am so grateful to be a mother and to have been trusted with two wonderful little spirits to be a mother to.

"'Cause even the stars they burn Some even fall to the earth We've got a lot to learn God knows we're worth it"

love being a mom

this morning as i was playing with Zoey I couldn't help to remember that this was the day that i jumped for joy and cried at the same time a year ago.  i was pregnant we were pregnant again.  the next day i had the doctors appointment and than a week later an ultrasound for the pregnancy where we got to watch the cell divide.  I now have a baby who is trying to learn how to blow a raspberry, smiles, coos, and laughs.  I love her with all my heart and a little bit more everyday she reminds me of her sweet big sister Lexy and everyday i feel the love of being a mother times two.  I can't wait for the day that i will be able to teach Lexy everything that I'm teaching her little sister Zoey.  But for right now i get to love on my beautiful daughter Zoey and love her daddy to the moon and back.  I love our little family and I couldn't imagine anything else better.

two girls

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

I love being a mom to this little girl she taught me so much in such a short time.  Lexy taught me a mothers love the second I saw her.   Lexy will always be the oldest sibling and watch over her little sister.  I love her and I'm so grateful to have her as my daughter.

I love being a mom to Lexy's little sister Zoey!  Zoey is teaching me so much about how to be a mommy.  It is hard work but it is so worth it when you see the smiles and the coos at midnight or 4am.

Best Friends

My niece Quinn is Lexy's best friend.  They got to know each other and became best of friends before we even met both of them.  My sister and I were pregnant together and these two little girls knew they were going to be cousins and best friends being so close in age together.  When Quinn was born and I would go over and hold this sweet little girl my little Lexy would start to kick, move around like crazy.  We couldn't wait for these cousins to meet.  The news came and I know it just didn't break my heart but it broke my sisters heart.  We knew they were going to be best friends and Quinn lost her friend.  Quinn however still has her best friend and this is how I know.  I would get texts in the morning from my sister when Quinn was only 2-3 months Quinn was talking up a storm and whenever my sister would move in front of her she would wiggle and move so that she could look and talk to someone that my sister couldn't see.  My sister a month ago was showing me something truly amazing.  When Quinn sees a picture of our little Lexy she smiles giggles and starts talking to her.  I know that our family is an eternal family and to see that my niece knows who my daughter is brings so much joy to heart.

I believe that Quinn and Lexy were taking a little walk together and that Quinn was holding her hand.

Our Angel's Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR SWEET LITTLE ANGEL!!!

LEXY DADDY AND MOMMY LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND WE MISS YOU!!!

The story of our Daughter

Lexy Our Sweet Angel We Love You.

My little girl was a stillbirth and she has blessed our lives of just being our little girl.

 I got to spend almost two days with her.

 On August 22, 2010 at 6:00 Brandon and I went to the hospital because I was in Labor.  When we were on our way to the hospital I felt like I wasn't going to be able to my bring my baby girl home  I shrugged off that feeling because who wants that feeling when you are off to meet your baby that you have waited for the last 9 months.  So when we were being admitted that is when we found out you were no longer with us.  I have never cried so hard in my life.  You were born on August 23, 2010 at 12:49am.  You were 6lbs 6oz and 18 inches long you were perfect.   I didn't have a hard time in labor with you on August 17, 2010 the last doctors appointment you had a healthy heartbeat I was dilated to a three and was completely effaced.  The doctor told me you were going to be here by the next week.  On Sunday morning I was having contractions and throwing up everything I was eating or drinking cleaning out my body for you to come right.  Well we went to the hospital and by 9:30pm my body was dilated to a 5 all natural.  At 9:45pm I got the epidural, the Pitocin, and they broke my water to start the labor a little faster.  Than by midnight when they went to check they told me not to move my legs they could already see you.  Daddy told me you had hair.  They called the doctor and than when he showed up I did 4 pushes and you were here.  I named you Lexy De'anna Waite before you were even in my arms.  I loved you so much.  I got to bath you and dress you in your outfits.  We got to get tons of pictures of you and we love you.

 Our sweet Angel we love you and think about you every day.

 Thank you everyone for all your thoughts and prayers these last couple of months it has been appreciated